Okay, so I've never broke a bone, fractured anything or even sprained my ankle.
But about a year ago I think I injured a part something just as important as
any other body part, my mind.
I think this should be treated just the same as any other injury I've previously
mentioned. Around a year ago I started to make myself sick, probably once a
week after I'd been out for a big meal or something, the thought of being 'fat'
terrified me, and as I'd put on weight over first year of Uni having the best
time ever may i just add!
when summer came I knew I wanted to do something.
Don't get me wrong I've been playing netball
for over ten years but depression was making me not want to do the things i
loved i didn't want to leave my house to go to training even though
i love my netball girls millions!
and I'm active I went for runs with my older brother
and did fitness sessions, but I'd look at other people and think why can't I
look like that, why does no one want to take me on a date!?
Over time I started to be sick maybe two times a week, and with the pressures of
Uni, and fashion. Don't get me wrong I love love love doing fashion but I remember
doing my summer project last summer doing research on catwalk collections thinking
why can't I have legs like that!?
I thought it was a phase, a way of coping with stress. But it spiralled
into me being sick 3-5 times a day. And after visiting London with my
course friends I began to realise this wasn't healthy it wasn't 'just a way to cope'
as when I was surrounded by my friends in the hotel room I was desperate to be
sick after going to Hard Rock Cafe but I couldn't, they would hear me, what would
they think!?
That's part of the problem I worry what people think too much, friends, family, boys,
even randomers.
So back in march i was incredibly low there were times I didn't want to get out of
bed I cried and kept myself in my room. I didn't want anyone to find out. But
then I couldn't cope I had to tell someone before it got out of hand even more.
I mean I was planning on starting placement in a few months what if I was to move
a away and get worse.
I was worried if I told people they'd think I'd been stupid, and to feel like that
is awful. The cycle of eating then feeling guilty, then being sick then feeling
guilty for being sick isn't a good mentality. so from this I've learnt its alright
i will be okay and those feelings would pass,
Because after telling two of my closest friends
I felt so much better they helped me to face my fears and go to the doctors
they told me i wasn't crazy for
the way i had been. And I was prescribed antidepressants.
At first I shit myself I was like whaaaaaat?! Does this mean I'm
crazy as I had never known anyone to be on them. That weekend i reluctantly told
my parents and brothers and its the best thing i ever did for myself.
Because people DO care. When you tell them something like this they don't think you're
from the loony bin. Well i know i already am but people understand and the more
people i told the better i felt. i didn't have this horrible secret anymore that made
me so upset.
Don't get me wrong it hasn't all been great since i told my family, i was being
passed around to councillors and medical specialists and i felt lost once again, i
know its about helping your self but i did need help off someone who knows a thing
or two about depression, self harm and bulimia. As bulimia led me on to self harm
as i tried to get out of this habit of being sick 3/4/5 times a day to holding back.
Self harm became a way to cope that's what helps with depression finding things to help
you cope but healthy things and self harm wasn't the answer. i felt back at square one
with only my CBT therapist knowing what i was doing, she then advised me to tell my
parents as i was slipping into another new low. I was scared again but telling people
helped immensely and that's the fact i want to stress people should know they're
not alone and three weeks ago i told my famalam!!
(My therapist tells me I'm cool for having a shrink haha)
But one way Ive found to cope is to be busy
not sitting around gives me less time to think bad thoughts.
So placement at pretty disturbia is probably the best thing I've done in
the last year, I've met some of the loveliest most funny people
and learnt so much so I'll be sad to leave in a week!
Everyone sees people for there outside, they can look perfectly happy, bubbly and
love to laugh, and that was my shield. I thought being skinny would make me happy
but it didn't talking and knowing people care makes me happy.
I know I'm not 100% better yet but I'm getting there and i just want to make people
realise its fine to have not broken a body part but to feel like you've broken a part
of your mind. As it WILL get better.
I also owe alot to my friends family and uni tutors as they have all been so
understanding.
So i just want to say Uni is the best time of your life but just because you move
away you aren't alone after sharing my issues
I've found mental health to be way more common than i thought.
So some people may think i should be embarrassed for writing this post
but if knowing its fairly normal has helped me i want it to help others as people
go through it silently for years and this is not okay!!
I hope you don't think I'm crazy for writing this!
"Depression just is, like the weather. It's real, you can't change it by wishing it
away, if its dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can't
alter it, it might be dark and rainy for 2 weeks in a row. BUT it will
be sunny one day. It isn't under your control when the sun comes out,
but come out it will. One day. In the same way you accept the
weather this is how you have to accept feelings some days. Tomorrow could
be crap and rainy or beautiful and sunny, just gotta make the most of
the sunshine." Stephen Fry
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